How can we express the death???

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Story of My Life

Look, what's up? You listen to all that, and it seems that your dreams are darkened by the reality, that you sink into secret and bottomless depth of someone's subconsciousness,you loose the thread of your bought if it ever existed... Commonplace vulgar images run into the real masterpieces of genius poetry, broken phrases, jazz convulsions of creativity seize you, you think that life is coming to its end - That's it - the end...

But all over the sudden the sparkles of your own genius flashes out, the glimpse of a familiar spring brook dazzles you, picturesque aquarium fish surrounds you, old womanish whisper is heard..., the poet's sigh...,the darkness moves away, the consciousness revives

and you realize that occasional, confused thoughts and phrases, images and words turned out to be that very school program which

tortured us "from bell to bell" in that time when there were no CDs at all. But here something magic happened to it...

@музыка: Pink-Family Portrait

@настроение: Fine

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Privet Narod...

Predstavlyaeti, ya segodnya s Vasilkoy(moya sladen'kaya)porugalsya. I pomoemu eto okonchatel'no, vo vsyakom sluchae, dlya menya eto tak, konechnoje esli ona ne primet nekotorie meri, dlya reshenie svoey problemi i ne razbiretsya v sebe.Nastroenie u menya konechnoje ne super no uje nado terpet' tak kak esli ya shas upadu duhom, eto mne ne na pol'zu,a potom eshe u menya v chetverg ekzamen,da eshe v dobavok eshe odna kursovaya, tak chto gospodin Sadikov Amirsaid, davayte na nekotoroe vremya peredem svoi misli, na uchebu.

@музыка: Bob Sinclar-Love Generation

@настроение: Horrible

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Kak vam eta shtuchka???

Ne znayu kak vam no ya dumayu eto daje mojno komunibud' podarit' ne tak li????? I really like it.

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Privet Vsem

Nu s chego je mne nachat'???

Nu vrode, net ne vrode,a slavo bogu den' proshel otlichno.

Ya sney poshel v Kino, a potom mi nimnojko pokushali,a potom ya ee provodil,hotya v nachale mne prishlos' seliy chas jdat' ee okolo Uzbechki.... A tak vrode slavo bogu, everything is okay.

Inshi olloh everything is gonna be allright.

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A kak vam eta Kristina???

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A kak vam eta fotka???

Upps ya v proshliy raz skazal Kira, a sam zasunul Alisu...)

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Wazzup man

Damn, ya davnim davno na FotoShope ne rabotal, a stolko veshey zabil. Da tam na novom CS2 poyavilis' novie prikolnie plugini. I karoche govorya vot posmotrite,S motrite chto mojno sdelat' s etim pluginom. On takoy prikolniy,chto ya klassno prikalnulsya s S Temnoy Kiroy.))

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Da, i takoe bivaet.

I tak chtoj mne skazat' ili nalyapat' tebe? Nu, da ti dorogoy moy dnivnik menya silno podvel. Eslib ti znal ya perepugalsya,za nee. Nu a ya doljen priznat'sya pohoje ya ochen' silno vlyubilsya v nee, i eto zdorovo, vo vsyakom sluchae ya hochu i budu v eto verit'. Nu chtoj, damn Ya vchera hotel chtoto napisat', kakayata ochen' interesnyaya ideya bila,a shas uje zabil. Podumat'bi, ya v tot moment tak perepgalsya chto snachala ey napisal tri pisma, ya ne znayu, ona poluchila ih ili net, potom ya popitalsya lech spat', no ne proshlo i minuti,kak ya uje bil uveren chto mne nado v sest' na perviyje reys Greyhounda i poehat' k ney. Vremya bilo toli 3.00 toli 3.30. Posmotrev samiy perviy reis, i ne skazav nichego domashnim i druz'yam, ya uehal. Doroga, bila ne tolko tyajoloy no i znaesh, kak bi bez izvestnoy. Potomuchto, ti boishsya, a vdrug ona tak silno ili neujeli ya tak silno sdelal ey bo'lno(sam etogo ne zametiv) chto ya ne spravlyus', ne smogu ubedit' i ob'yasnit' chto vse chto bilo napisanno v etom dnevnike eto bilo prosto, viplesk gneva i obidi. Ya ne znayu, no ya starayus' s samogo nachala preduprejdat' kakie u menya est' nedostatki. Ya pomnyu i uveren chto ya ey govoril chto inogda kogda ya ochen' obijen ya mogu mnogo drov nalomat' da eshe ya ochen' ne to chtobi mstitelniy, bo'lshe obidu dolgo derjashiy chelovek. Tolko doljen otmetit' po povodu poslednego punkta chto Vasilka kakbi ya sam togo ne zametil( ili ya hotel izmenitsya) sdelala tak chto ya mnogoe zabil,nu kakbi ona nauchila menya proshat'. I samoe glavno, eto to chto posle ee ubejdeniy i ob'yasneniy ya kakbi nachinayu ponimat' chto v etom na samom dele est' smisl. Ona mogla prosto tak govorit' potomu chto eybi eto konechno bilobi ne priyatno esli ona vse sebya udelyaet odnomu cheloveku,a tot chelovek dumaet ob chemto drugom. Ya ne govoryu chto ya ey malo udelyal vnimaniya. Ya storyaus' chasto udelyat' vnimayuanie, no ona ved' toje ne dura, znachit' ona kakbi toli chuvstvuet toli vidit, toli ya kakto sam ne zamechaya pokazival chto misle u menya gde daleko... No est' odin, fakt , She has changed everything. And I am really happy for that. Damn, eslib ktolibo znal kak v Tashkente skuchno. Kak mne zdes' hrenovo. No ya znayu chto eto chuvsto budet maksimum paru mesyacev' a potom ya opyat' priviknu k Tashkentu. No menya koe chto eshe pugaet, a chto esli kogda Vasilka priedit' domoy, i zahochit vernutsya tuda. A chto esli ya ne smogu ob'yasnit' chto nash dom zdesya? A esli ya ne smogu ey ob'yasnit' to chto ya sam eli ponel? Ved' ya sam ochen' dolgoe vremya muchilsya............. Da chegoje ya boyaka ili kak eto nazivaetsya trevojniy. I ya ne znayu kak mnogo chto mogu napridumivat'. Nu ladno s menya na segodnya hvatit. Slishkom mnogo misley za den'. Ne znayu no ya ee lyublyu. I eto zdorovo. Bistreebi ona vozvreashalas'. Ya bi ee silno ob'nyal, i prijal bi ko svoemu telu. I etogo mne bilobi dostatochno(hotya mojet i ne dostatochno )))) Nu vo vsyakom sluchayu ya uveren chto eto ne fizialogicheskie chuvsva,a na samom dele, eto krichit moya dusha. Da ona krichit chto mne hrenovo bez nee, chto ona(moya dusha) nujdaetsya v ney... Opyat' taki misley mnogo ya vse izlit' na dnivnik ne umeyu... Bistreebi zdalbi vse ekzameni, potom nado budet nayti horoshie kursi Arabskogo. I eshe navernoe na kochalku poydu(ieeeee ne hochu kochatsya) Net luchshe prosto na turnike budu zanimatsya. Vse moi druz'ya govoryat' osobenno Sher skazal chto ya ochen' silno pohudel. Domashnie govoryat chto ya horosho viglyaju chto mne tak idet' Daje pricheska govoryat horoshaya.Chto ya sam rashotel strichsya. Nu popravitsya tak nimnojko nado. Nu ladno, vse hvattit, a to u moey pisanini konca ne bivaet.

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Privet moy Dnevnik iz Shtatov.

I tak s chego je mne nachat'.Ya daje ne znayu. Vchera, ya hotel uehat' v NY,no mne skazali chto shas tam mne ne gde budet rabotat'. Ya tak izmuchilsya ot etogo Baltimora. Zdesya polnaya skukachishya. Zdesya nechego delat',sovsem. Damn, da eshe kajdiy den' mne Vasilya nastroenie portit. Damn,vse bolshe i bolshe ya nachinayu v ney razachirovovatsya. No ya znayu chto mne nado vse terpet'. Potomu chto ya doljen ee izmenit'.Daje i ne znayu s chego nachat'. Ya nenaviju eti veshi, Vot shas toje sidim v Library. Damn, ya shas takoe prochel v ee pisme. Ee mather fuckking ktotot nazivaet Zaya. Hmmmmm. Damn nafik mne nado eto vse??? Ya je mogu bit' odin. Kayfovat' jizn'yu. Mne slava bogu nichego ne nado. Ya mogu naslojdatsya jizn'yu i bez kakakoy libo lubvi. Mne je bolee chem dostatochno i togo chto menya lubyaat moi roditeli. Nu v konce koncov nu ya toje nashel v kogo v turica. Tam v Tashkente dofiga i bolshe ktobi politelbi za menya na kray sveta... Nu navernoe daje rech sha i ne ob etom. Samoe glavnoe eto to chto ya nenaviju, kogda ya ne poluchayu togo chto ya hochu ili ya viju to chto mne ne nravitsya chtoto. Damn.... Tak mnogo emocii, a kak ih virozit' daje ne znaesh. Navernoe eto i est' to chto papa mne govorit, mol u menya netu rechi i na ruskom i na uzbekskom yazike. Ya ne mogu vnyatno ob'yasnit' svoi jelaniya.Nu karoche vot takie dela. Ya tak ne hotel chtolibo suda pisat'. A teper' pridetsya....

Nu ladno narod ktolibo bilbi moim chitatelem. Hotya pust' eto nikto ne chitaet. Eto moyu lichnoe....

Best regards from Amirsaid. No chto ya tochno mogu skazat' eto to chto ya ee ochen' i ochen' lyublyu. Prosto udevitelno a vremya tak bistro okazivaetsya menyaetsya. Damn, kakbi i chtobi ya shas ne govoril plahoe pro nee, no ya ee lyublyu i gotov vse viterpet' i ispravit' and I will do that.

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I tak chtoje

U menya segodny bil Ekzamen.

Damn. Ya segodny opyat' ee spominal. Do chegoje ya durak. Ya napisal ee imya i familiyu v "GOOOGl"e i tam ya uvidel chto ona ostavila svoiyu informaciyu v sayte 110 shkoli. Ona tam ostavilaa svoy mail na hotmail, hotya ona nikogda ne polzovalas'esli ne schitat' to chto so mnoy obshalas'.

Hmmm. Damn who do I love her? Why cannot I forget her.........

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Navernoe eto moi posledie slova...

Jonim va Asalim Rano, man sani hech qachen unumayman, san har doim mani edimda bo'lasan. Man sani har doim sevaman...

Hurmat ila Amirsaid.

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Damn

Ya segodnya vo sne opyat' ee videl.Nu chto za ne spravedlivost'.Nu damn.What a hell????Nu za chto mne eti mucheniya???Nu za chto???Za chto?Nima yomonli qildim unga?

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Hmmm.

Nu chto eto za izdevatelstvo??? Ona okazivaetsya mne napisala na messenger,a menya nebilo.Damn, I hate her and myself.I hate everything concerning. This.

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Lets say that this is the last part.

As soon as you grow and get more experienced, you develope you own habits, character, rules and opinions which mostly are not suitable for your second part or your parents and friends.As it is said, but I do not remember where it was said your spring becomes a fall. I think this is normal and every humanbeing will have this situation.Then starts the third level, the level of strongly established ideas and outlook of the world through long time developed routine and wide experience and skills. Some people say that the third level and the fourth levels are the most and influencial levels of the world. It says that it can changes you redical.You may be a waiter or president. Mostly it is a level,when we understand why we are here to be a wolf or a sheep? Probably you, my reader do know the rules of wolfs and sheeps(it is says that there are two types of people, the first one is wolfs(they are very few) and consquently sheeps).It is only you who can decide all things. It is upon your hands.In the games this level is the times when you already have developed your tactics, ideas and strategy.When you know how to act, how to shut? What to choose to shut??? And all all that questions. The times pasts, you realize that you are alone in the world, that you have nobody to give after your life. At this moment starts the level 4 of the game and the life. The games seems boring and not so interesting.You already know what is to be tomorrow. You even ready to leave everthing and start some other game. The only way is to makes friends of to cop money or make up coalition, in order to be stronger and longer. That is simply, you create generation who will follow your steps. It is really hards. Yes ofcourse life with them is painfull,but as soon as you see them, their actions and everthing what they do, this motivates you to live for them. That is not the only reason, even it is some mercenariness, but you have to suffer because only you will reap the fruits from them.

Finally, you understand that you are at the golden ages and the most important is that the life is not passed andlived simply.

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That is the second part.

So,where did I stop? Oh Yeah, I remember... You are growing up and day by day and year by year you become more experienced, careful,atentive, sensible, because you understand he hardness of the life. Step by step you develop your abilities to descrime your enemies and friends. You learn to respect and communicate with people.That perdiod of time, the game seems very dificult and complicated, although you will notice that there are some other positive things and feeling such as Love(I do not say that Love is only good thing, for my one year experience concerning this sphere of life,I understood my mom's words, when she said me that "Love is for very strong and people". That time I did not understood her but now, I definetely do. She added that It is really really hard to be loved and especially to love. That is your age, the age when you are sure in your abilities, in your ideas and goals.Exactly that is your youth.That is the time when life appears to you interesting and exciting and all these beckons you. This is exact time when you understand how to play the game, how to pass all the levels.How to open up the secret points, you are able to extract the enemy and friend. Some later you understand that you have too many choices in your life and you start choosing company and profession, the time when you have to choose where to work and what to do? To my mind that was the next level of your life and game. The level of becoming free and adult person. Every level has both funs and interests and problems and ussues,briefly you will do anything,but you will not be bored.

Ok I have to go again... I will continue some later on.

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Moyo pervoe sochinenie kotoroe mne ochen' ponravilos'.

Segodnya, ya hotel tebe moy dorogoy chitatel' raskazat' ili daje vstavit' moyyo pervoe sochineniee kotoroe ya napisal kogda mne bilo toli 14-15 let.Mne ono ochen' ponravilos' i daje seychas ya v ney viju chtoto chto stoit togo prochitat'. Ya uvuren chto ono vam ponravitsya.I tak. Sochinenie nazivaetsya "The meaning of the Life" I hope you will like it. And so, I am starting...

The meaning of the Life.

In one of advertising posters of my favorite computer game, you can read their slogan or even mission statement, saying " Play more, life is short."Probably, this words were concetrated to children,but not to adult people, but I still strongly believe that they have ery strong and deep meaning. In the following composition, I will try to prove you that. So, can you imagine that your life is a game?,haveing the same feeling that we have in the real life such as challenges, happiness, satisfaction e.t.c. So, what is our life? This is a main question that we have to answer.At the begining of the game or of your life, it is dificult to understand everything.It is hard to understand what is right and what is wrong,however there are problems to which it is hard to find right solution even for adults. E.g. Why cannot we touch a hot teapot or to pass a road without adult people... The same thing we have in the game we do not know where to go? from what to start?Who to ask? How to find out tips? and others. A the begining of the game you do not the chief gole of the game as well as in life.

(Sorry, my dear reader,I will try to write te other parts some later.)...

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I tak.

Eshe odin den' bezdeliya.Ne znayu pochmeu no u menya bolit golova.A da ya vspomnil ya vchera v 1.30 le'g spat'.Nu ladno karoche pohoje mne segodnya nechego skazat'.

Eto moya podpis'.

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Tak kakieje novosti???

Woy, eslib ti znal moy slushatel' kokaya segodnya bila pogoda??? Da etoje ktuto,super puper. Vchera bil sneg segodnya sneg i nadeus' zavtro budet.Damn Pogoda prosto super.Mi shas kayfovali of snega.Shas s rebyatami v snejki kidalis' i porolis', po polnoy.Shas u menya nimnojko palci bolyat.Nu ladno.

Hvatit na segodnya. Da koe chto eshe.Znaesh chtom moy miliy chitatel'?Ya ee segodnya vo sne videl, tochnee govorya slishal ee golos'.On mne tak ponravilsya,znaesh eto chtoto vrode davnee no rodnoe, kakoe to chto ya ochen' horosho znayu no davnim davno ne slishal.Eto kak navernoe vozduh,kogda ti mojesh raznie primesami vozduhami dishat',no kogda chuvstvuesh kakoeto blyudo chto davnim davno ne chuvstvoval, ti ponimaesh chto eto to chto ti ochen' dolgo hochish ili to chto tebe ochen' nujno, no v toje vremya po kakimlibo prichinam ti ponimaesh ti ne udalos' etogo pochuvstvovat'.Tak navernoe eto i est' to chto ya davno ne chuvstvoval ili ne slishal. Ne znayu, ne znayu, na samom dele ne znayu.Pust' chto budet to budet.Ya znayu chto ona ne vozduh i ne edinstvennoe sushestvo ili chelovek kotoriy mojet menya oschastlivit', potomu chto eslib eto bilo tak togdabi ne sluchilos' togo chto sluchilos' da eshe ya ne dumayu chto eto stoit etogo.Hmmmmmm. Mne nechego skazat'.Navernoe eto est' to chto nazivaetsya "Pervaya lyubov'".No v glubine dushi vse eshe est' chtoto chto govorit chto tebe nujna tolko ona...Samoe glavnoe eto to chto ya segodnya slishal ee golos vo sne. I samoe samoe glavniy vopros stoit tak: CHTO ETO ZNACHIT? ILI CHTO ETO OZNACHAET? OZNACHAETLI ETO CHEGOLIBO???

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Emptiness of Heart is the same as living without any wishes and dreams.

Udevitel'no.

U menya s serdce i v dushe pustota.Vo osros v drugom.A pochemu? Za cheto? Chto ya sdelal plohogo?.Za kakie postupki??? These all questions make me...Damn....